my bad

so when i said i was ready to leave, um... i was just kidding.

i don't miss home or anything like that.  but i've been coming back and operating from there like it's my home base all these years, and basically it is.

don't worry, i won't be stuck there forever.  i am so planning to leave the country.

mer.  i did/said something necessary and yet still very dumb (i think it's dumb that it was necessary for me) the other day, and it's haunting me.  i was def afraid of being alone, and i think my hopes got up so high with the last possible person i could have been with for awhile that now i'm crushed.  but the thing about the last possible person, it's just that he's not right for you.  like keith and elliot.  ha.

anyway, it was hard to realize that i'm supposed to be by myself anyway.  it's bumming me out.  but it got me thinking.  about me.  and my life.  and my plans.  and my thoughts were racing.  and i couldn't sleep.  and now i'm fucked over for the week because i'm so tired and i should be reading a book and writing a paper now but i'm just not feelin' it.

but it's all good.  i'm coming home.  because i need to.  and i'm planning to leave again.  if not in the fall, in the spring, or next fall.  if that doesn't work out, i'll just educate myself at uh until my brains explode.

the thing about plans is that they give you a lot to live up to.  and they give you a timeframe for certain things.  i'm not sure how i feel about that.

now.

how to break the news to the parents?

i think they'll do just fine.

well, well, well

i'm home.

i'm alone.

nobody saw that my underwear matched.

and i feel good.

i used to have some friends here, and now they're full of shit.

don't lie to me and tell me you're just going to bed tonight, i know you just called her... she's kinda one of my best friends.

don't turn to me for sloppy seconds when you can't get what you want.

don't say shit like "i dunno..." when i say we have to hang out before you leave.

don't not call me and hang out with everyone else without me.

don't call me just because you want to hook up, because i know you don't really care about me.

yeah, i'm glad to leave.  i'm glad that all this happened... or didn't happen, really.  because it makes me so, so ready to get out of here and move on.  i thought i would miss home, i thought i would want to come back, i thought i would miss all those winter breaks and summer breaks and all of that.  but all of that is done, i'm over it.  we had some good times, i did some dumb things, i did some fun things, and now i'm ready.

so it's ok.  i don't mind that you're full of shit.

baby don't worry

about a thing

cuz every little thing
is gonna be alright

even when there are zombie-like creatures infected by a crazy virus out there.

making lots of $ vs. beach, hiking, and qt with the ones i love, including my grandparents

i'm so freaking busy i haven't had time to unpack.

i haven't had to really make plans since i've been back, they've been making themselves.

and i'm silly because i'm the kinda girl who never wants to miss anything, and i'm bitter that i have to work and i shouldn't let that get in the way.

3 of 3 nights in a row, out.  not bad.  not bad.

i've realized that it doesn't matter what i want because i can't have it (at least with the opposite sex, i suppose).  it's a moot point.  it doesn't matter how much i chase after you in comparison to how much you chase after me, if it's a lot or a little or not at all.  we can't be together, i can't really be with anyone right now anyway, because once i get down to it my life will change drastically and then people (including me) will be sad.

this justifies everything.  so now i will let it be and not worry about it.  i'm not waiting for you.  or for anyone.

here comes a red bull and vodka (i know, i know, alcohol and caffeine is bad).

oh my lillian

update:

1. christina.  we are no longer friends.  at all.  in fact, in spite of the fact that we go to the same very very tiny school, i never see her.  hooray.  she said, maybe we can be friends later, i just can't handle it right now.  bitch please.  jenna wrote me hate notes in science class in 6th grade, we're best friends now.  it didn't take that long.  get the fuck over it.  the thing is, we both wronged each other.  so i feel like we should cancel out.

2. aj?  ugh.  i don't know what i want.  i was talking to megan for a longass time last night, and she brought up (a couple times) that she'd confronted him about where he and i stood at starbucks a few days ago and he said "somewhere in between fwb and a relationship."  and she was like, that's kinda a big deal for him to say that.  that's weird, we hadn't even had "the conversation" yet, even though i'd said that we should... we hadn't established anything, we still haven't... mer?  maybe it was just him saying how he felt?  but still, that is remarkable.  it's taken the longest damn time for us to get our shit together, and we still won't, probably, by the end.  i don't want a relationship with him, he doesn't want a relationship with me, when it comes down to it.  but we like each other, blah blah blah, and we're graduating, and we're (kind of) (supposed to be) seeing other people (it's not so much working out... but we're both talking to other people about seeing them maybe sometime, why is that so complicated?).

don't know, we're hopefully gonna talk it out and work it out before i go home.  we started the conversation, but it was already 2 in the morning, and he had to go work on things, and mer.  finals time is not a good time for that.  i'm so concerned that everything will be ok and then i'll go home and turn my back because that's just what i gotta do, and then i'll come back and it'll be like before, and he'll be in a relationship.  but i can't ask him really for anything, if i'm not giving anything either, it's just not fair.  so maybe i'll have an epiphany somewhere along the line and i'll figure it out.

3. school.  graduating in may, don't know what's next.  not too concerned.  yet.

that's all!